Taming Tantrums: Professional #2 says...

After E's last nighttime meltdown, I went crazy looking for help. One of the resources I found was at the University's School of Education, where they have child (?) psychologists. We started seeing someone as a family, primarily for E's sleep issues, and secondary for how to cope with Elena's self-realizations regarding her disability.

The family counseling is going okay. I guess I say okay, b/c things at home are going pretty smoothly. I told the therapist that my end goal was to put E to bed, no problems. Meaning, I tuck E in, smooch, goodnight, leave. Everyone rests until we wake up the next day. If E has to get up for some reason (bathroom, etc.) she takes care of it herself and then goes back to bed herself.

RIGHT NOW, we are in such a good place...E goes to bed by one parent (usually me) tucking her in, smooch, then reading books. She falls asleep during the books (she isn't looking at them while we read, she's "resting her eyes and her voice"). Since school has started, normally it's a 5-10 minute reading session and that's it. Rarely, it's a 40-minute reading session. Some nights she needs help in the bathroom, but she gets there herself, and then we help finish up and then put her back in bed and read another book to her while she falls back asleep (but this hasn't happened in a while).

Comparatively speaking, this nighttime routine is NIRVANA. It's a world away from hours of screaming every night.

Well our therapist wants us to go for the end game. Tuck in, smooch, leave. I am extremely apprehensive...we've come SO FAR. Things ARE GOOD. The therapist says we need to Ferberize her for her own good (and ours). Deep down, sure, I think it would be better for her (and us) if we could get it to work. But why rock the boat when things are SO CALM?

I don't want to be negative...but you all get me.

poll by twiigs.com

Taming Tantrums: Professional #1 says...

Earlier this week I met with someone about E and her (for lack of a better word) separation anxiety. The day before this meeting, E had screamed for FOUR HOURS--from 9 pm until after midnight. Yeah, rough night.

WELL. I know a lot of you out there have tantrum issues, or sleep issues...and while there are differences between our children, if we have any similarities PLEASE TRY THIS.

Here are the highlights:
Me: E keeps us from sleeping. I think she's mainly a normal kid with motor issues. She realizes these motor delays, and is becoming more aware of her differences. I think this has something, probably not everything, to do with her acting out.
B: E doesn't have much in her home life (with Mom and Dad there) that sets her apart from her baby sister. She needs Big Girl time/activities that make her feel special. She especially needs this as her sister eclipses her in motor function. She's a smart girl. Talk to her like one.
Me: I tried--during an episode, she just screams, there's no reasoning with her. The next day, if I bring it up, she's like "yeah, my bad."
B: This is a family issue. Make it a family discussion. Problem-solve as a family--E included, but not Vivian, b/c she's the baby.
Me: OH.

B suggested structuring the discussion like so:
When I get home, tell E after Viv goes to bed, we need to have a family discussion. Don't say anything else about it; let her "stew".
When the Family Discussion starts, begin with:
"We have a Family Problem."
"No one is getting a good night's sleep."
"This is because Elena is screaming too much".
"Let's work as a team to fix this."
Then open up the discussion, asking questions to everyone (especially E) related to why she screams, what she's thinking, what SHE thinks we should do to fix it (being reasonable, of course). Make guidelines ("E needs to stay in her room") and consequences for improper actions, letting E think of the consequences.

So we did, and put it on paper. I DID give her one child Benadryl chewable to try to tire her out, to try to ensure success (FULL DISCLOSURE). We read it over several times. Everyone agreed and signed their name.

We had Big Girl Time, including staying up 30 minutes later (B said that couldn't hurt--especially if she was crying for hours at her normal bedtime, anyway) to further accentuate the fact that she was older than Vivian. (THIS WAS A HUGE WIN--E's eyes just fired up when we mentioned Big Girl Time and Big Girl Activities that Vivian wasn't allowed to do.)

Everyone slept ALL NIGHT.

For the FIRST TIME in I have NO IDEA.

I feel like this is how most normal families must feel in the morning--reborn. I'm serious--it was a rainy muggy day, a bad hair day, a frumpy clothing day, a still-in-pain-from-wasp-sting/back crampy day, a rush-around I have work/E's PT/home life day--and I felt like I was all sunshine and rainbows, smiling like I just won the lottery on my sweltering mile walk to work.

WOW.

Now, I don't have super-high hopes that all nights will be like this. And that's okay. But to know that it can happen, and that we can be successful, if we have the right strategy (and luck?)--priceless.

Update:
2nd night in a row, everyone sleeps.
3rd night in a row, everyone sleeps--E woke up a little grumpy once, but our AC just broke. She still didn't scream, so that's in the 'win' column.
4th: some screaming. E came out of her room--but that's b/c she needed help in the bathroom. Overall, didn't last long. It's not a win, but it's still a far cry from the meltdown. (is my good fortune waning? uh oh...)
5th: good night.
6th: good night.
7th: bad night.
8th: EXTREMELY bad night.
9th: Started off badly; after 7 minutes of crying and discussion, E asked for a "do-over". Rest of the night was good!
10th-14th: fantastic.
15th--no longer updating.

A word about...Tantrums

I knew there would come a day when we'd think..."remember when she couldn't talk? WHAT A DISTANT MEMORY"!

Yeah. E is quite vocal...so much so, that almost nightly, she blows up about something. She is four years old. Tonight it was that she wanted to use the hairdryer. She NEVER uses the hairdryer! She'll cry/scream for 20-30 minutes, which means by the time she's calmed down and actually asleep, it's up to an hour past her bedtime.

E is also all about the word "no"--even when she means yes. EVERY PHRASE STARTS WITH NO. Where does that come from?

She doesn't hit or bite. She rarely throws things. She does scream her head off, and then revisit the subject of said crying/screaming 30 minutes later and can start it all over again. Jason and I think she's so vocal with her tantrums b/c her physical mobility is limited (no kicking, or running, although she will bang on her door if we shut it b/c she is screaming).

I'm ready for the (almost) nightly tantrums to end...just in time for the little sister to start them, no?

poll by twiigs.com