Bedtime Disappointment

Well, here I am again.

Elena is acting out at bedtime again. I have no idea what set it off...we were doing so well over the summer. We spent the night at my parent's house one time, and E was TERRIBLE--screaming, shouting, just...awful.

Her outbursts have been sporadic since then, but seem to be approaching regularity. I am convinced it is not because of school (well, it's been happening through the summer too, anyway...whatever that means). She is seriously FINE throughout the day--happy, smiley, occasionally contrary (she's 6, after all) but when it comes to night time--as soon as she gets tucked in, she picks something to obsess about.

Is her blanket on right? (For the 5th time, YES)

Will I come and check her? (I DO THIS EVERY NIGHT, once she is asleep--I shut her door almost all the way, so she knows I've been there)

Does she have a tissue if she starts crying? (YES. I do remind her if she loses it, or needs another one, she's perfectly capable of going to the bathroom to get one herself if she thinks she needs one that badly.)

She will ask these questions in different (or same) ways at least 5 times. She KNOWS the answer, but will start screaming if we don't answer her. Then she'll say she "misses [fill in the blank]" (family, friends, a stuffed animal downstairs) or that she's "afraid of [fill in the blank]". She NEVER SAYS THESE THINGS until she is under the covers at bedtime. Then she's upset b/c she "can't fall asleep" or I "won't let her fall asleep", screaming about it for 20 minutes or more. Then she tries to switch the parent in charge.

It's almost like she needs 20 minutes of crying in order to rest.

It's INFURIATING. I am so disappointed. I am angry with her. I try not to show it, try to make bedtime as normal and unanxious as possible, but this makes my mouth and head hurt b/c I am gritting my teeth so much. Jason and I are dreading bedtime again. Elena is robbing any couple time we might have with her behavior--because once she is actually asleep, we are too drained to bother trying to talk to each other. Some nights we rebound, but normally I am completely tapped out.

So, today I'm calling back our psychologist. The one we graduated from this Spring. I told myself I wouldn't feel like a failure if I had to call back...but that's simply not true.

Walking, Interrupted

I have to admit, I'm frustrated.

I figured E would have some weakness, soreness, and fatigue easier after her surgery/casts were removed. I figured it would last a while, with the worst of it over after a week or so.

I also figured after her STELLAR PT performance the same day as her cast removal, that she'd be sore.

What I didn't expect is that Elena would REFUSE TO MOVE. Refuse to stand up tall. Refuse to walk. WHY?

I figured it was mainly due to soreness that she felt the day after PT. I was nice, sympathetic, and I carried her more often. Five days later, we were barely making any progress. Is this normal? I really wish someone would have prepared me.

E is a lot more verbal/antagonistic toward moving with me than others, particularly Theresa. Still, after she's reached her limit (about ~40 minutes of PT) literally she is DONE. She'll sob, cry, hobble, literally become a cripple after an amazing 40 minutes of movement. I am very confused.

*updated 12/26; she is moving better now, but still reaches her limits before the end of a PT session. After about 30 minutes rest or so (or proper motivation, like a mini-Slurpee or something) she's moving great again. I guess this is fatigue? I'm still not sure. Technically, she's been walking for less than 2 weeks post-casts, so, maybe it's early to be frustrated?

Taming Tantrums: Professional #2 says...

After E's last nighttime meltdown, I went crazy looking for help. One of the resources I found was at the University's School of Education, where they have child (?) psychologists. We started seeing someone as a family, primarily for E's sleep issues, and secondary for how to cope with Elena's self-realizations regarding her disability.

The family counseling is going okay. I guess I say okay, b/c things at home are going pretty smoothly. I told the therapist that my end goal was to put E to bed, no problems. Meaning, I tuck E in, smooch, goodnight, leave. Everyone rests until we wake up the next day. If E has to get up for some reason (bathroom, etc.) she takes care of it herself and then goes back to bed herself.

RIGHT NOW, we are in such a good place...E goes to bed by one parent (usually me) tucking her in, smooch, then reading books. She falls asleep during the books (she isn't looking at them while we read, she's "resting her eyes and her voice"). Since school has started, normally it's a 5-10 minute reading session and that's it. Rarely, it's a 40-minute reading session. Some nights she needs help in the bathroom, but she gets there herself, and then we help finish up and then put her back in bed and read another book to her while she falls back asleep (but this hasn't happened in a while).

Comparatively speaking, this nighttime routine is NIRVANA. It's a world away from hours of screaming every night.

Well our therapist wants us to go for the end game. Tuck in, smooch, leave. I am extremely apprehensive...we've come SO FAR. Things ARE GOOD. The therapist says we need to Ferberize her for her own good (and ours). Deep down, sure, I think it would be better for her (and us) if we could get it to work. But why rock the boat when things are SO CALM?

I don't want to be negative...but you all get me.

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Separation Anxiety (?) or Here We Go Again

E had Kindergarten Camp this week.

It's basically a 3-day, 2 hour/day stint to introduce rising kindergartners to their teacher, school, classroom, and potential classmates. Normally it's for kids that are new to the experience. Elena has been in public pre-K for the last two years. Last year, she was in this same school, across the hall from her new classroom. She even knew the teacher, and some of her classmates.

The first morning, it was A NIGHTMARE. It started the night before...

"Mommy, I'm going to miss you!!" and then crying/screaming/MELTDOWN ensues.

We've been through this before...each year when pre-K started, some unexplained times during the school year...for a while there, we had this at bedtime. *sigh* It doesn't get easier. I am so confused...WHY NOT?!

She even did it WORSE the second morning--that was after she admitted she had a great time the previous day at camp.

Now...you can tell me that she's nervous, or acting normal, or just isn't sure what to expect. I believe that...some if it, anyway. But E is a smart girl. SHE KNOWS. Part of her behavior is a power play. I'm not kidding.

Another part, a potentially large part, is related to her growing awareness (and vocalization regarding) being different around her able-bodied peers. And her able-bodied sister, who can now physically do everything she wants to (run, jump, snatch toys, carry large objects, climb up stairs, stand in the bathtub, etc.). This is bound to embody itself into some sort of (negative) behavior.

So I called a psychologist. Eight of them, actually, b/c I wasn't sure if anyone would get back to me (especially since no human being would answer a telephone!! ARGH!!) and I would like some advice/coping mechanism ideally before school starts at the end of August.

I think Elena is essentially a pretty normal kid in a disabled body. And that's okay. But I have a hard time believing her physical condition has zero to do with this kind of behavior. And if we end up seeing a psychologist, and they label her with some disorder--I will probably lose it. Mostly b/c I don't believe it, but also because I do NOT want another label on my kid. I mean...it's hard enough as it is. Typically, I wouldn't say that. But these past few days have been pretty tough. And honestly, today (the third and last day) it was MUCH easier. But it'll happen again...and again, probably.

A Nighttime Admission

I wrote an entry a long time ago about kids and their sleeping issues. I have pretty much chalked up E's waking up and crying/screaming issues to bad parenting...we must be reinforcing some bad behavior, but we don't know what it is, and we haven't figured out how to stop it. In short...E rarely has a "good night". By rarely I mean...once every two weeks? Maybe?

We try to "switch it up" when we can, and that's only after some big change of events. Like, if we have to spend the night in a strange place, then when we come home, instead of going into E's room if she screams, we'll approach her door and say "we will come in when you speak to us in a nice voice". Recently, E was sick for a whole week with strep throat. So, screaming only made her condition more painful, which made it even more to cry about. So we held her on the couch. We cuddled with her when we could. I mean, E was miserable, she was sick, she was throwing up, she was feverish...she needed to be coddled and loved, so a parent was with her or on a neighboring couch all night. We started gradually weaning her to her bed, as she got better. And so here we are. Again. Same issues.

What issues? I HAVE NO IDEA. She goes to sleep fine. She just wakes up every night. Sometimes she's not fully awake and crying loudly...I come in and whisper "Elena, what is happening?", you know, in case she says she's being eaten by a dinosaur or something. Last night I got a "I can't stop". (this is a big deal, normally I don't get any words) "You just can't stop what?" "I just can't stop being bad" [SCREAM]! Here we go again.

So...here is my confession. I've been harboring some harsh judgement for some parents who "medicate their kids" to make their lives easier at night. Like, they don't even give their kids a chance to behave before they've already shoved a pill in their mouth. I'm pretty opinionated about that. And to be frank, I know some parents who now medicate their kids, who felt just like I do about it. Well, when E was sick, she had some codeine-laced concoction for pain and to help her sleep. I remember from SDR, she doesn't do well with codeine, it seems to make her nauseous. It did make her sick, but only a little, and after that she slept pretty well. I didn't want to do that again, but I considered using Benedryl, which is what some of the "medicating parents" give their children. I insisted it wasn't for my convenience, but for E's, who has had 5 very sick nights and needed rest to get better.

The night was just about perfect. I admit it. She got up once, I pressed the blanket to her, and she went back to sleep.

The next night I thought maybe the memory of a good night's sleep (she acknowledged she felt great the next morning) and a fun tiring day would be enough for another good night. WRONG. And so here I am writing this post.

So here I am. I feel like a failure when it comes to nighttime parenting with E. Jason and I share this frustration. We tend to tow the "hard line", meaning we show E we are not going to put up with screaming behavior and remove her from her comforts. We don't spank, we don't yell, but we use silence as a reinforcer and explain things in nice voices when she is ready to listen--which she does, and she does acknowledge she has been behaving badly. I think she gets the idea of punishment (in this case, she doesn't get to return to her nice warm bed after a meltdown), but she sees it coming and then gets upset b/c she knows what will happen. She understands choices, and knows the choices are hers. And yet this happens just about every night.

What I am learning is this is a huge stress for my husband and I. That one night when Elena isn't a nighttime problem, was as if the Heavens opened up and music started playing from the parting clouds ("aaaah!"), SERIOUSLY. If we could fix this, our relationship would improve so much. So here I am.

I'm going to try one week of Benedryl. I'll write a post about it and my thoughts once it's over. I feel defeated...but maybe one week is all I need? To get E in a good pattern? It is worth it to me.