Psych Graduation

The Handy Family has Left the (Psych) building!

We graduated! We've been seeing a (student) psychologist since about August 2010, specifically about Elena's nighttime issues (which aren't a problem now, by the way). We have come a long, long way.

Here's the recap.

Sometime between Elena starting to talk (2.5 years) and 4 years of age, she started freaking out at bedtime. I don't know what caused it--but it didn't take long before it was hours of straight-up screaming before bedtime, and an average of 2 hours screaming during the night. IT. WAS. AWFUL. Jason and I fought about what was going on--he thought it was due to brain damage, and may need medication; he wanted a sleep specialist. I thought it was a parenting problem--but we didn't know what we were doing wrong, and didn't know how to fix it. E's pediatrician (and other main docs) agreed with me. I didn't want to medicate Elena. After one last very very bad night, where just about all of us were crying, losing our minds, I called professionals the next day. Eight of them, hoping just one would call me back.

Two did. I chose the UVA school of education, where we'd be seeing a student psychologist and be observed by an invisible team via camera. I chose them for two reasons--one, they were cheap; two, they were close to work. We saw them weekly, or once every two weeks. Sometimes it was all of us; sometimes it was just a parent+Elena, and then sometimes just me.

We saw results, literally, after one month. I couldn't believe it. We had spent close to two years dreading every nightfall.

What took me so long? I mean, I accept--and seek--a LOT of help raising my kids. I guess a lot of that help revolved around things I wasn't trained for--like physical therapy, modern medicine, sign language, nursing, orthoses, assistive devices, etc. But for some reason, getting help with "the basics of parenting"--putting your child to bed--took forever. I felt like I was admitting I was a failure.

Well, in case my experience can help any of you, here's what I've learned. Keep in mind that during this nighttime troublefest/rehabilitation, Elena had 2 rounds of Botox, three surgeries (eyes, SDR, and PERCS), countless hours of therapy, public school, and birth of a sibling. In no particular order, here is what helped us:

1. If you have a family problem, try to make a family solution. Have a Family Meeting, where you all address the problem, and everyone has input to create a Family Plan. You stick to the plan, and refer to it often.

2. Elena's a smart girl; I need to ask her opinion on family matters.

3. Elena is a big sister and I should treat her like one. I was trying to include her in family activities, but in doing so, I wasn't making special "Elena time". We have "Big Girl Time" after Vivian goes to bed; it makes E feel special, and differentiates the two kids.

4. Having a third party (psychologist) really took the pressure off us parents. It made us all listen to someone else; if E had a problem with the plan, it was with the plan or the psychologist, NOT ME.

5. We used the Ferber Method. We tried this before, and failed miserably. Here's what we did--starting this regimen during the middle of the night wake-ups (this was all part of our family plan):
--if E wakes up, we walk in and ask what's going on. If she's not sick/needing to use the bathroom/(insert good reason for being up here), we tell her our comfort phrase "I love you. I know you can do this, I know you can go back to sleep." LEAVE. Don't tell them you'll be back.
--wait 3 minutes. If she's crying, repeat.
--wait 5 minutes. If she's crying, repeat.
--wait 10 minutes. If she's crying, repeat.
--repeat every 10 minutes until she's asleep.

Some nights, E would crawl out of bed repeatedly (she can't get back in). I'd calmly carry her back to bed, and say the phrase, and keep going.

Literally, this never took more than 40 minutes. After dealing with screaming/tantrums literally for hours EVERY NIGHT for two years, 40 minutes was NOTHING. It didn't take long until the night wakings stopped; then we tackled the actual going to bed part in the same way.

Today, I put her in bed, tuck her in, say goodnight and leave. I get ready for bed myself, and by the time I come back to read her a book, she's asleep.

I am really proud of us. Elena is proud of herself, and of me. Karen and UVA Curry School--I can't thank you enough.

Taming Tantrums: Professional #1 says...

Earlier this week I met with someone about E and her (for lack of a better word) separation anxiety. The day before this meeting, E had screamed for FOUR HOURS--from 9 pm until after midnight. Yeah, rough night.

WELL. I know a lot of you out there have tantrum issues, or sleep issues...and while there are differences between our children, if we have any similarities PLEASE TRY THIS.

Here are the highlights:
Me: E keeps us from sleeping. I think she's mainly a normal kid with motor issues. She realizes these motor delays, and is becoming more aware of her differences. I think this has something, probably not everything, to do with her acting out.
B: E doesn't have much in her home life (with Mom and Dad there) that sets her apart from her baby sister. She needs Big Girl time/activities that make her feel special. She especially needs this as her sister eclipses her in motor function. She's a smart girl. Talk to her like one.
Me: I tried--during an episode, she just screams, there's no reasoning with her. The next day, if I bring it up, she's like "yeah, my bad."
B: This is a family issue. Make it a family discussion. Problem-solve as a family--E included, but not Vivian, b/c she's the baby.
Me: OH.

B suggested structuring the discussion like so:
When I get home, tell E after Viv goes to bed, we need to have a family discussion. Don't say anything else about it; let her "stew".
When the Family Discussion starts, begin with:
"We have a Family Problem."
"No one is getting a good night's sleep."
"This is because Elena is screaming too much".
"Let's work as a team to fix this."
Then open up the discussion, asking questions to everyone (especially E) related to why she screams, what she's thinking, what SHE thinks we should do to fix it (being reasonable, of course). Make guidelines ("E needs to stay in her room") and consequences for improper actions, letting E think of the consequences.

So we did, and put it on paper. I DID give her one child Benadryl chewable to try to tire her out, to try to ensure success (FULL DISCLOSURE). We read it over several times. Everyone agreed and signed their name.

We had Big Girl Time, including staying up 30 minutes later (B said that couldn't hurt--especially if she was crying for hours at her normal bedtime, anyway) to further accentuate the fact that she was older than Vivian. (THIS WAS A HUGE WIN--E's eyes just fired up when we mentioned Big Girl Time and Big Girl Activities that Vivian wasn't allowed to do.)

Everyone slept ALL NIGHT.

For the FIRST TIME in I have NO IDEA.

I feel like this is how most normal families must feel in the morning--reborn. I'm serious--it was a rainy muggy day, a bad hair day, a frumpy clothing day, a still-in-pain-from-wasp-sting/back crampy day, a rush-around I have work/E's PT/home life day--and I felt like I was all sunshine and rainbows, smiling like I just won the lottery on my sweltering mile walk to work.

WOW.

Now, I don't have super-high hopes that all nights will be like this. And that's okay. But to know that it can happen, and that we can be successful, if we have the right strategy (and luck?)--priceless.

Update:
2nd night in a row, everyone sleeps.
3rd night in a row, everyone sleeps--E woke up a little grumpy once, but our AC just broke. She still didn't scream, so that's in the 'win' column.
4th: some screaming. E came out of her room--but that's b/c she needed help in the bathroom. Overall, didn't last long. It's not a win, but it's still a far cry from the meltdown. (is my good fortune waning? uh oh...)
5th: good night.
6th: good night.
7th: bad night.
8th: EXTREMELY bad night.
9th: Started off badly; after 7 minutes of crying and discussion, E asked for a "do-over". Rest of the night was good!
10th-14th: fantastic.
15th--no longer updating.